A few times in the past couple of days I've just totally forgotten I'm sober and I can't decide if that's a good thing, or a bad one?
Forgetful moment one: walking into the supermarket and past the bottle shop (just one of my several regulars) to the left and mentally noting I should leave room in the trolley on my way out so I could stock up. Immediately followed by inwardly rueful smile and headshake - silly woman, no you don't.
Forgetful moment two: driving past a bar I'd always meant to try out with the Prof and thinking 'Must do that in a couple of weeks when all the tourists go home'. Then remembering - hey, I don't drink now, what's the attraction? Then thinking - well, might still be fun. Maybe.
Forgetful moment three: seeing a roadside stall selling bags of limes and thinking 'Corona' instead of 'Thai salad'.
Forgetful moment four: heading home from dropping 60% of my immediate family at the airport to visit 20% of our family (leaving only me, and the dogs, cat, chooks, and blissful peace) when the idea of going by a drive through bottle shop to stock up on wine entered my head. Only then remembering we had wine at home anyway. Only then remembering that I don't want to drink it!
Because I don't
I really don't. I don't want wine and I don't want to add gin to my tonic water - I've been looking at pickling recipes that will use up my gin since the Prof won't drink it.
But I guess there's a price for everything you do and currently the price includes reminding myself this is a good thing.
I don't want to drink alcohol. I don't need to drink alcohol. I've had my share. I forget how to stop once I've started. Moderation doesn't work for me.
I've found the answer for me: stopping is easier than slowing down.
Everything is easier this way
Like everything. Really.
So, with these forgetting/remembering things swirling around in my mind I felt like I needed to do something that set a longer view on this sobriety gig for me. Something that would start to put a shape around 'forever', a calendar entry at a time.
The big chance
And yesterday I took a big chance, for me. I booked into a wellness retreat (in Bali!) for October.
I thought about doing this last year but a) money was tighter then, and b) I'm not spending money on booze now, and c) i wasn't confident enough then to go spend a week with 13 unknown women and would have needed to drink to much if I did go, and d) I didn't care much about 'wellness' then and I do now.
Deposit paid. Excitement building. Commitment to yoga and lime sodas under Indonesian sunset, begins!